Last night before I go to bed I started praying to God for guidance about where what and why? I love Easter, is my favorite celebration of Christianity, I feel it in my bones, I smell its unique liberating fragrances. But is also the time where I do my most self reflection and re-establish my values and goals.
So, last night I was thinking (big mistake) about what I have and what is missing from my life, from the life I want to have. And tadaaa I have all the things I need to achieve my dream life except one little thing: the will to let go. Once I had my dream, I have tried to translate it using "reality" terms and forgot the most key theory I have learned all these years of studying: "reality is what you name it to be" (thomas theorem i think). When we were children we were told we could do anything we set our minds to do, but our parents forgot to pass on the key: the will to move on.
Most of the books I have read about life philosophies have emphasised that fear is what ruins our life, not circumstances. Anger, hostility, sadness, depression, anxiety, lying all stem from fear. If I am not afraid to love, to live, to let go, to be judged (at the end of the day, I am my self's worst judge) then I will not experience all the aforementioned negative situations/ feelings. So I continued my thoughts, what am I most afraid of? Failing? so what? Who will I be failing? myself! Again so what? Will I stop loving my self over trying and failing? Who guarantees that I am not already not loving myself for not letting go?
Looking at the great picture I realised that I view both my dream and current pictures of life as puzzles. When I was little I was given puzzles with few and great pieces and if I missed one the picture would most likely not make any sense. But now that I am older, my puzzle has over a 1000 little pieces which if I loose any, it will still make sense and even be presented as more "contemporary". Thus, why do I worry more now than when I was a child when I used to carelessly play and enjoy the puzzle? Whereas now I am obsessed with that little piece, finding it placing it but not looking at the rest of the pieces, making sure they are not lost? why do i choose not to step back and look at the whole picture and enjoy it instead of the empty place? And most of all? why do I still value the absence, the silence, the stillness over life?
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Dear Milky,
First of all i would like to congratulate you for doing a blog about your inner thoughts, experiences and dilemmas. On the one hand you found a way of healing yourself through revaluation and self assessment and on the other hand you give to others something to think about!
I am more practical than a philosopher person so Ι will answer your questions in my point of view at the order these are placed as follows:
1)".. why do I worry more now than when I was a child when I used to carelessly play and enjoy the puzzle?
Now we worry more for the future rather than the past because we connected the looking forward with making a step forward to our goals. I could even tell you that we might translate our past into our future thus some times find oneself in the trap of dreaming what we had and we lost (past moving into present is the future of the past) rather than what we have and we could keep.
2) "Whereas now I am obsessed with that little piece, finding it placing it but not looking at the rest of the pieces, making sure they are not lost?"
All of us at one point were obsessed with that little piece! Because that little piece meant more to us at the point of our lives when the absence of it made it more important to us (there is a great song on this one)! It was not because of the specific piece being lost. It was because we don't dare to find another piece or even look for the same piece due to the fear of unknown and the insecurity whether this piece will match with the rest of the puzzle. So we prefer to stay passive and worry about it than do something and take an action. The mistake is on the obsession without the action and not on failing to focus on the rest of the pieces.
3) “why do i choose not to step back and look at the whole picture and enjoy it instead of the empty place?”
One could say that the puzzle could be our life into a picture. Every little piece is important, and has its own value. Each piece makes the road of our journey in this life. Some of the pieces need to stay in the past in order for you to move on. Some other pieces could easily be replaced but we are so blind and specific on how the road should be according to the “standards” collected through this journey that we cannot move on, take an action, be active. Some others are so afraid to find that piece or any other piece because they expect that after the triumph of finding the desired piece which will bring happiness on finally succeeding, this might be faked, smaller, not as colourful as expected to be, thus ruining the picture of the puzzle. This could be translated as the pessimistic side of the same coin as we predict the worst scenario case every time. That would also explain why we are afraid to step back and look at the whole picture and enjoy what we already have. It might be too dreamy in the case of the “expected” reality.
4) “..why do I still value the absence, the silence, the stillness over life?”
As a conclusion I should say dearest milky that absence, silence and stillness are more valuable in our life at the moment that nothing else really matters, none of the other pieces can fulfill that emptiness, or even when every piece is messed up making you remember that lost piece might have brighten you up if it was there to complete the puzzle. But this is the reality we chose to make for ourselves. So the problem starts once again from the part of what we chose to keep in our heart as a nice memory and what to keep in our head as a passive addiction. The fear of the unknown and unexpected, the replacement of a piece that would have made a great completed picture, and the fear of completing a perfect picture with nothing left to achieve, keeps us back from making our own reality the way it supposed to be. Keeping the past, present and future where these should be as their own meaning show and not were we wished to be.
Is late and I can’t even read through my response so sorry for any grammar mistakes or wrong perception of your questions:)
Is great meeting you!!!!!
I enjoyed reading your comment very much. That is the beauty of blogging, you can write your thoughts and all is needed is an understanding of others but most of all of ourselves. That is what I was most pleased for, what you read made you think, feel and self-reflect. This is also another form of healing, like you said, my writing helped me I hoped it helped you too :) My questions were more open, more likely not really directed for answer coz in me they were answered. I was then very happily surprised to have read your thoughts. I had no idea that these little badly word questions could raise all these thoughts and feelings!
Just like some coffee talks I used to have with a good friend w...
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