Puzzle pieces

Last night before I go to bed I started praying to God for guidance about where what and why? I love Easter, is my favorite celebration of Christianity, I feel it in my bones, I smell its unique liberating fragrances. But is also the time where I do my most self reflection and re-establish my values and goals.

So, last night I was thinking (big mistake) about what I have and what is missing from my life, from the life I want to have. And tadaaa I have all the things I need to achieve my dream life except one little thing: the will to let go. Once I had my dream, I have tried to translate it using "reality" terms and forgot the most key theory I have learned all these years of studying: "reality is what you name it to be" (thomas theorem i think). When we were children we were told we could do anything we set our minds to do, but our parents forgot to pass on the key: the will to move on.

Most of the books I have read about life philosophies have emphasised that fear is what ruins our life, not circumstances. Anger, hostility, sadness, depression, anxiety, lying all stem from fear. If I am not afraid to love, to live, to let go, to be judged (at the end of the day, I am my self's worst judge) then I will not experience all the aforementioned negative situations/ feelings. So I continued my thoughts, what am I most afraid of? Failing? so what? Who will I be failing? myself! Again so what? Will I stop loving my self over trying and failing? Who guarantees that I am not already not loving myself for not letting go?

Looking at the great picture I realised that I view both my dream and current pictures of life as puzzles. When I was little I was given puzzles with few and great pieces and if I missed one the picture would most likely not make any sense. But now that I am older, my puzzle has over a 1000 little pieces which if I loose any, it will still make sense and even be presented as more "contemporary". Thus, why do I worry more now than when I was a child when I used to carelessly play and enjoy the puzzle? Whereas now I am obsessed with that little piece, finding it placing it but not looking at the rest of the pieces, making sure they are not lost? why do i choose not to step back and look at the whole picture and enjoy it instead of the empty place? And most of all? why do I still value the absence, the silence, the stillness over life?

Love dynamics

I am one of those people that is pretty clueless when it comes to understanding love dynamics. I tend to preach that one should let things flow naturally but when it comes to putting the thoughts in action all goes to hell and i start thinking tooooo much about all things. And my instincts? Long long gone. I feel things, I perceive things but I push it at the back of my head. I tend to hear my fears and my desires much more than the voice of my heart.
Say for example a guy comes in the foreground and things start to happen. How to screw up love dynamics in few simple steps:
1) listen to your friends minds' games. If I do this then he will think that and helloo you have to seem hard to get and that you are soo superior. Bullshit! The poor guy tries his best and then when you get the power in the relationship you don't know what to do with it, you start questioning his feelings and it seems in your eyes less than a man. Needless to say that you stop enjoying being with a guy. Why do I need to have the power? I don't want it! It is too exhausting and then it all becomes a mind game so that I don't loose it even though i cannot deal with it in the first place. From the point that power issues come in all goes sour. It is all a matter of the ego instead of the experience. Relax, you are gonna end up doing whatever you crave anyway, why enter this power trap? In love there should be no power, that is why it is unconditional! If it is conditional, then it is not love.
2) keep looking for classic romantic signs as they are projected in the movies. The guy may be buying the stars for you but if it is not a red rose oh God the end is near. He does not love me or whatever. Why use someone else's standards instead of your own? Communicate what you value and then you see what happens. If he buys a cd that is from your favourite band instead of a boucquet of roses it means that he cares about who you are not about the film characters.
3) value the words over the actions. Tend to forget all the good actions he is doing because he did not say A or B. BUT how many wankers have we all met that were all full of words -sweet but empty- instead of giving you the respect and we still hang out on them.
4) Want to be heard without hearing the other and without really talking! Metacommunication is not working if you are not really trying to communicate instead of ordering. How will he know what you are thinking if you dont say it? He is not a mind reader.
5) Speak the truth. I keep wondering how easy things would be if I just say what I really wanted instead of going round and round and saying nothing. If I just spoke the truth and faced whatever comes instrad of just thinking what if this, what if that I would stop dwelling over stupid things and hold on to negative repetitive patterns.
6) last but not least place your happiness on to the other person's hands. Is a huge and unfair burden. If you are not happy with yourself and your life no man will do it for you. The problem is within your perceptions and understandings not his actions. He can support and hold your hand but you will never be happy unless it comes from within you.
The dynamics change but it is not a matter of who has the power over the other, it is a matter of who experiences the love, that motivating life giving feeling, a matter of sharing not of demanding to take, and most of all of letting go. It is a two way street, you cannot be responsible for the other but you can be responsible for yourself. If you cannot respect yourself and be honest how can the other do this for you? If you love someone you will not jump off the cliff for him, I mean you will not diminish who you are, the person that he fell in love with anyway. The same goes for both. If you love the idea more than the person it is not the person's fault.
I keep thinking all these over and over and try to be more conscious of my thoughts, my instincts, my feelings and really appreciate and experience it to the fullest. Love dynamics are not about the people, they are about the self.

The here and now

This is a key term in many forms of psychotherapy as well as meditation practices...the here and now. People believe this is the only true time and I find myself agreeing with it. So the story goes, one should live in the here and now and be conscious of one's life experiences.
But (like all stories there is a but, otherwise life will be easy and boring) ... What if you don't know what you want? What if you are too glued to the past? What if... what if...what if... (underlying assumptions- defence). The truth is, even though i meditate, even though i am studying to be a mental health professional, even though i am an extrovert positive person, I have absolutely no clue what is going on in my head.
Hello, this is milky spirit and i am the blind leading the blind. So i am thinking, how do blind people find their way? They use their other senses, especially touch. Ok, so step one is to get in touch. I have been a passive observer of my life so far, is time i start processing what i am taking in. I have so many good things going on in my life, i might as well try to make use of them. It seems that I am moving on in terms of studies, housing and others but emotionally? How will i get in touch with my emotions? What if i touch the fire and burn? Is easier falling back in fantasies and memories of the past but the past is not the true time.
Next option: i take a deep breath, push everything under the carpet and believe that the carpet is magic enough to make things disappear and then i can sit on it and fly away into happiness with Aladdin and his lamp. Nope future is not here yet and it will not come on its own. How can i shape my future if there are no bases put in the present? Happiness and life is the result of many tiny baby steps.
Back to reality milky dear, this is the present. If you live in the past or in the future, not only you miss out on the present but also neither past or future ever comes up. So i will live my life, i make the decision i am packing my thoughts and feelings and move in to the present. Time to unpack, but again i can't make up my mind about what is that i am taking out of the luggage.
Who do i want to be with? Anyone i already know? Well, according to the here and now, the answer is none! No i do not want ghosts A & B, yes is ok to be feeling down because unless i get low i can never come up. Plus, if i screw it all up now with idiot A and B i will miss out on brilliant C in the future.
Am i on the right track in terms of career? Well, here and now: there is no career, is just studies and empty wallet. Am i happy? well, yeah i think so, i mean no money is a huge issue but doing the same thing everyday until i'm 63 is even more petrifying
Friendswise? there is an answer i know, i am doing great, enough variety to go to rock concerts as well as zoo (not in limassol and ok last time i was in that club was 2004).
I see friends getting married - huge decisions for me, glad i don't have to take it now.
So is my here and now the same as my environment? Come on, do all people have the same reality? hahaha i guess my here and now is not so scary after all. It seems that the past or the future are far more scarier. So why choose to live there? because hell is more familiar than paradise?
My here and now then...it sounds nice, is like moving to a new house all mine :) I can decorate it in any way i want and let the ones i want enter inside and hang out. My here and now somehow has stronger smells, warmer nights and cool mornings, it has the perfect taste and the best song for each moment. I am consciously taking all in and not just passively moving around. Even knowing that you know nothing feels so lively, emotions bad or good all welcome, to feel is to live! i am conscious and my senses are alive.
And you know what? It starts to get brighter little by little every day...
I'm taking the blindfolds off now...
"One fine day i will be flying away, but just right now: I jump in the water touroutoutou" - Locomondo